Damn emos

I hate emos, look at them, disgusting, weepy retards...So I took advice from Zach De La Rocha and got to know the enemy, here's what my intensive studies on emo has revealed... They are the children of goths, but not nearly as awesome, mainly because they can't shit bats, emos shit black glitter instead.
They listen to gay music.
They play gay games.

Jesus was an emo.

They spend a lot of time on their hair, but it never looks good, but they think it does.

This guy killed this bear with his bear hands because it was an emo bear, he caught it listening to My Chemical Romance and drawing pictures of sad clowns.

Gangster's in Idaho have trained their dogs to kill emos, which is why there aren't any emos in Idaho anymore. Note to self: get a badass gangster dog.

Rice dicks are way better than emos, but if your boss is an emo you can get fired for making one.

Emos date girls like this, because they have no other options.So when emos grow up and have kids they'll look like this.
If you suspect that you or someone you know is an emo or is demonstrating emo tendencies, call this guy, he has developed a machine that turns emos into basketball players.

When he works out how to make tall people come out of his machine he's going to start an NBA franchise.

Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

In further developments to the greatest news story since Naughty Corey, the balloon boy's dad apparently has been pushing for his own tv show since 2005, and of course, being a man of unlimited talents, he wrote the theme tunes....

http://www.tmz.com/2009/10/20/richard-heene-balloon-boy-reality-show-theme-music/

Sound like:

My favourite theme tune is the kinder surprise ad which is currently on tv and goes something like this....

“To make a lovely surprise,You take a day without a surprise.You become the surprise,(Sing this bit through a traffic cone) “And here it is, the surprise of the day!”Then there’s the milky chocolate taste,Nothing tastes better than a great surprise.”

The guy who wrote this one really want to point out that Kinder is a surprise....

Hot Air Balloon Kid Found

Well, the whole world got all worried for about 10 minutes when they thought a kid had taken off in his dad's hot air balloon. Turns out he was in a box, isn't that the first place you'd look? Well, the first place I'd look would be in the oven, but a box is like the natural habitat for kids. Meanwhile, the following mysteries remain unsolved.... Why hasn't this prat been stabbed to death by an ice-skate yet?

Has anyone seen Levi and Skipper the jewish dogs since they ran away in search of a decent kosher sausage?

What happened to this guy's mirror when he got dressed?

How much does this guy like cake? So much that he'd marry it, wait, nooooooo.

What will the first Swayze-less halloween be like?

How the hell did this geek find such a big game boy, or where did he find a shrinking machine, is he really Rick Moranis starring in a real life 'Honey I Shrunk Myself'?

How much does this guy love his camera? (that's rhetorical, I know he luurves his camera)

Can someone please tell this kid he's about 2000 years too late, but there's a book called the Bible which might help answer his question.

And most important, when will the world's favourite band, Goatpenis, release their new record. I heard it was produced by Pharrell.

Breakdancing Pensioner v DSS

The fact is that all Englishers are dirty tax evading social security cheats, I should know, I've read half of trainspotting, which is totally about everyday Englishers, right? Well, turns out that there's this old dude in England who can bust moves phatter than a whale in a g-string. This is his story..... He was born after some dodgy family planning advice his parents received from the NHS.

He always knew he was a bit of a dweeb, it's a genetic thing, and as this family portrait demonstrates, he was destined to be a right knob.

Until one day he met a magician in the men's toilets behind Wolverhampton tescos. The magician said "heyyyyy booyyyy" want to see a trick? The kid was like, "no, I don't want to see your balls and he kicked him in the throat, which was pretty sweet considering he was a tall magician wearing a bullet proof bow tie. But the kid did it, because he had mad skills.

Then, when he was walking out of the toilets this shark and gorilla came up to him and said "man, you're born to break dance, let us hone your rough edged b boy styles." So the kid says yes, because he was always told to trust sharks and the gorilla looked a bit like Boris Yeltsin.
Long story short, he wasn't that good but kept practicing, straining his will like this tube of toothpaste.

Then when he was really old he was finally as rad as anyone his age and went on TV and would have been the most famous person in England since Peter Andre, but the DSS got jealous and took his benefits away.
And gave them to this guy instead.

The moral of the story is that you shouldn't ever try and be good at anything, unless it's being really good at collecting DSS benefits.

Hey Hey it's Saturday- the outtakes

By now you will be aware of a fact that I have been a firm believer of since I was 8 years old, but finally the proof is out- Darryl Sommers is a shit eating white supremecist and Hey Hey It's Saturday is the jewel in the crown of Channel 9's campaign of crap. But here are some segments which we are now finally able to reveal... 1984- Even Plucka put his webbed foot down on appearing in the " Adventures of the Paedophile Duck" segment.

1985- Steak n shake promotion which is pretty self explantory. It was eventually pulled to avoid offending the large vegetarian following the show was eager to maintain.

2009- Researchers for the return put the breaks on a segment in which contestants had to come up with the most sexist reply to the question "when a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what should I come back with?"

1998- NSFW cake baking competition.

1991- In an attempt to write Ozzy out of the show, tests were done on a new co-host. The gig almost went to Gary the stoned Weazel until Gary went psycho in pre shoot and started chasing Wilbur around the studio yelling "play that saxophone like Charlie Parker or don't play it at all you pony tailed fuck!"

1995- Ugliest baby in Australia contest gets canned on grounds that it would promote incest.
1995- DIY segment involving "Mr Matutuwa" was not given green light, producers instead suggested that they tailor their own show around him, he changed his name to Scott Cam and the rest is history.

Must have accessory

I'm pretty sure these are the only jeans on earth designed to accomodate the lethal combo of high kicks and a beardless Chuck Norris.

Keep Safe this long weekend

Yesssss, it's a long weekend. But before you go getting your freak on and start bashing midgets or chasing donkeys, remember, there are many dangers in modern life, so be wary of the following dangers:

Emo faggots hiding on myspace.White people with dreadlocks, and their nastier brethren, wannabe asian rastas.

The scourge of modern society, white ho's

Do not go near a wet beaver!!!

Beware of people who don't use toilet paper. People who use Toto toilets and washlets may not technically require toilet paper, but they are sick anus jetting freaks. (click to enlarge)

Don't let the playa haterz knock your hustle.

Apes on LSD are much worse than apes on PCP.

Whatever the fuck is happening in this picure, don't do it. Seriously, WTF is this?

Be on the look out for sneaky pervert horses.

Whatever you do in your own time is your business (unless you're a white person with dreadlocks) so I'm not saying don't do it, but at least don't get caught visiting dodgy websites. You're seriously telling me there are 1000s of gay thugs in Woy Woy?

And don't hang out with Candy, she's a nosey bitch.