Halloween

Yesssss, Halloween is here. I've compiled a guide to costumes and what they say about you....
"We are the most badass family EVER!"

"I really want to help my friend Amanda overcome her random fear of chickens, but then again, she only gave me a $20 gift voucher to Harvey Norman for my birthday, so scaring the shit out of her on TV would be a way better option."

"I have no life.... and a dog."

"I've been drinking since my internet timed out seven hours ago."

"My mum won't let me buy a Slipknot t-shirt because she reckons I'd look stupid in it. But she can't hold back my love of metal, or make me do exercise, Meatloaf didn't get famous jogging round the block."

"We come from a country called Japan. Do you need further explanation?"

"Halloween is the one day of the year that I can justify my bannana fetish."

"Our kids are going to think we are so cool when we turn up to the party dressed as the Animal Collective."

"My dog is really a surrogate child."

"We couldn't decide whether to go as an eyeball, medieval jousters or as characters from the hit early nineties sitcom 'Tool Time' starring Tim Allen. So we went as all three at once."

"I really like the colour blue. Say it with me people... bluuuuueeeeww.

"The world is a blocked toilet and every single human being is a turd that won't flush."

BTW- Is this ACTUALLY Sean Penn?

"I think the guy in the costume department spent his budget on crack cocaine again."

Again with the pugs? Come on.

Happy Halloween, unless you own a pug, you sick sick pug owners.

Liars

And people who are generally full of shit......... The yoghurt is full of good stuff, but your eyes are red for another reason lady.
Fox news and ripped jeans, both full of shit. Damn you Tea Partyers!

-39 is "Fucking Cold", -18 is just a little chilly round the willy

Hipsters are so gullible. Tights are sooooo pants.

You told me your kid was not a precocious little shit. Now look at her.

Freddie, stop lying, everyone knows you have no friends.

You say he'll never wear sandals again now, but I guarantee that in second year uni he'll hit the bongs and grow a beard, and at that point he'll be ALL about the sandals.

Did I mention I'm completely level headed, humble and have regular sized eyes? Because that's also true.

Grandma told me she was going to art classes, this isn't art, it's smut.

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES

Apologies

Yes, it's been a while since I blogged, but I've got a good explanation, actually, I list of good excuses.... I got caught up in a cheeseburger stabbing rampage.
I've been producing the latest Richard and Willie album, it's got a working title of "Sexist as Fuck but at least we're bridging the racial divide one stereotype reliant joke at a time."

I fell in this giant hole.

I got surprised by what was coming and haven't been able to sit down for a month.

I've been in Mexico forging my Internet and Taco cafe empire.

I've been giving Svetlana some lessons on the recorder.

A camel ate my head.

I've been coaching a basketball team at the local catholic school and we found the GREATEST point guard who took us all the way to the playoffs.

I'll try and be more regular, I'm going on the All Bran diet this weekend!

Friends Wanted

Hi, I'm looking for friends, contact me if you fill all of these criteria....Must love glow sticks
And GG Allin.

Must hold delusional beliefs about the genetic selectivity of his sperm.

Must be such a douche that he'd spend money to fool a girl into staying with him.

Math skills not essential.

Must have the ability of making me look more manly than Bear Grylls just by being in your presence.

If ants hate you that's ok by me. I hate ants.

People with false kinky names need not apply.

You love your mother, I love my mother, let's be friends forever Heino, Heino, are you talking to me or someone over my shoulder.

Actually, no cock eyed albinos need apply.

Must love Cher.

You must be at least this badass.

Fatists should provide a picture of themselves for further consideration.

No good ship lollypop cutesy pansy poseurs allowed.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Fathers Day

It's father's day on Sunday, don't forget to visit your dad.
We know that men are hard to please, so here's my fool proof gift guide....

For the morbidly buff dad.

For the creepy religious dad.

For the just plain creepy dad.

The services of mammoth erection are great for the viagra reliant dad.

Dad can never have enough lessons in powerpoint.

Or enough fat man walking frames.

The only thing dads love more that ass fruit, and that's cock fruit.

Or maybe a sack of potatoes.

This is the most manly album in the most ungay way ever.

The loin cloth, on the other hand is the most unmanly undergarment in the most gay way.

Dad's like cool hairdoos too.

Have a fully awesome fathers day.