Party Season Pt 2

In acknowledgment of the fact that shit tons of people I know are feeling hung over right now, I offer up my top ten hang over cures for your consideration: 1. Listen to soothing music, preferably performed by semi naked mexicans.
2. Forget about that potential date you probably offended drunk last night, get online and join an online dating service and wait for the classy blokes to come to you.

3. Yoghurt, fuck yeah!

4. Eat shit loads of watermelon, or a pony that's eaten shit loads of watermelon.

5. Ice yr junk.

6. Put cats in your pants.

7. Go for a swim, Putin/ Sharks optional.

8. Smoke cigarettes till you spew, and if you don't smoke, get a chubby asian kid to smoke for you.

9. Cold shower.

10. When you get home, keep drinking and don't stop drinking until it's the 1970s again.

Happy Friday

Party Season

It is officially party season, aka fucked up fest 2010, here's what I love about this time of year... People who spew on themselves in public.
Excellent cold cuts.

Michael Jackson hanging out with midgets.

Excellent fancy dress.

Old school comedians in old school glasses.

Hot mamas and their summer fashions.

Getting as fucked up as this.

And this.

And this.

Party on Wayne, Party on Garth.

Future Rugby League Scandals

In addition to having a kick ass blog, I also can predict the future, and here's what's in store for Rugby League in the future.... A Gold Coast player will move to Japan and molest a frog mascot in an ice induced rage.
This former Warriors player will become a weather man and predict afternoon T storms on a nightly basis.

Following a semi successful career with the Tigers, a player will start a restaurant specialising in Paris Hilton specials.

A Bulldogs player will frequently visit this shop and be consistently asked to leave when he demands the 'house special'.

Former Broncos player turned IT guru Paul Vas will dedicate his life to fixing desktop issues in the real estate industry and looking like Jesus Christ, doing both unsucessfully.

Former Manly prop forward Mike Terry will perfect his cabaret show and take it on the road with his hits "I wanna stick it in the light socket" and "My Cauliflower Ears aren't the only enlarged appendages I've Got, Baby" clearing RSLs all over the country.

The entire St George team will dedicate an entire season to looking like GG Allin in a bid to woo the delightful Wendy.

Trying to cash in on the success of Brad Garlick (former Roosters player) and his Garlo's Pies food chain, a Eels player will launch a "Hot Dogs and Terminal Disease" themed restaurant and face a class action within two years.

A Melbourne Storm player will pen an autobiography written in the third person under the guise of a self help book and sell 24 copies to himself.

A North Queensland player will get behind this political campaign coining the kamakaze catchphrase "I know 2 things are good for this country- Rugby League and Cumming on top."

Photos of a Newcastle player's birthday party will leak onto the web, sparking a DOCS investigation.

The Canberra Raiders "dog" incident will rear its head again in about 5 months when this happens.

WATERMELONS!!!! FUCK YEAH!!!

Halloween

Yesssss, Halloween is here. I've compiled a guide to costumes and what they say about you....
"We are the most badass family EVER!"

"I really want to help my friend Amanda overcome her random fear of chickens, but then again, she only gave me a $20 gift voucher to Harvey Norman for my birthday, so scaring the shit out of her on TV would be a way better option."

"I have no life.... and a dog."

"I've been drinking since my internet timed out seven hours ago."

"My mum won't let me buy a Slipknot t-shirt because she reckons I'd look stupid in it. But she can't hold back my love of metal, or make me do exercise, Meatloaf didn't get famous jogging round the block."

"We come from a country called Japan. Do you need further explanation?"

"Halloween is the one day of the year that I can justify my bannana fetish."

"Our kids are going to think we are so cool when we turn up to the party dressed as the Animal Collective."

"My dog is really a surrogate child."

"We couldn't decide whether to go as an eyeball, medieval jousters or as characters from the hit early nineties sitcom 'Tool Time' starring Tim Allen. So we went as all three at once."

"I really like the colour blue. Say it with me people... bluuuuueeeeww.

"The world is a blocked toilet and every single human being is a turd that won't flush."

BTW- Is this ACTUALLY Sean Penn?

"I think the guy in the costume department spent his budget on crack cocaine again."

Again with the pugs? Come on.

Happy Halloween, unless you own a pug, you sick sick pug owners.

Liars

And people who are generally full of shit......... The yoghurt is full of good stuff, but your eyes are red for another reason lady.
Fox news and ripped jeans, both full of shit. Damn you Tea Partyers!

-39 is "Fucking Cold", -18 is just a little chilly round the willy

Hipsters are so gullible. Tights are sooooo pants.

You told me your kid was not a precocious little shit. Now look at her.

Freddie, stop lying, everyone knows you have no friends.

You say he'll never wear sandals again now, but I guarantee that in second year uni he'll hit the bongs and grow a beard, and at that point he'll be ALL about the sandals.

Did I mention I'm completely level headed, humble and have regular sized eyes? Because that's also true.

Grandma told me she was going to art classes, this isn't art, it's smut.

LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES LIES