First Dates

Here's some advice for blokes going on first dates this weekend... Don't go on a double date with your better looking best friend, especially if that best friend is Luke Perry.
Pay for the cab, don't try and sneak your way into someone else's by hiding in their luggage.

Don't bring your art sketch book, NO ONE CARES how much you like David Schwimmer. And you can't draw for shit anyway.

Don't throw pinecones, especially if your head kind of looks like one.

First dates are not the occasion to get your whacky hat out.

Computer skills is not an interesting topic of conversation.

Cheeseburgers are not legal tender.

Being stoned won't make you seem more aloof, it will make you look like a stoner douche.

Body hair is an acquired taste, don't put it out there on the first date!

And a gentleman NEVER kisses and tells.

Happy Friday.

Who's Party?

Someone's having a party, here's your clues...

Dressing up like the Karate Kid

Stories of Sheldon on a motorbike.

Excessive toilet humour.

Stories of getting stoned in the old days.

Stories of hot cats at the rodeo.

Excellent nineties nostalgia value.

Fine dining.

Plenty of booooooooooooze.

Ain't no party like a Tidswell party.

Happy Birthday Becs.

Happy Friday.

RIP everyone's liver if you are going out with Becs tonight.

Edgy Cross Stitch

Ever since I noticed that American Apparel had kind of lost their edginess...I've been on the lookout for what the latest cutting edge cotton based artform will be. My friends, I present to you CROSS STITCHING WITH ATTITUDE...
What better way to express your disgust than by very slowly stitching a message to the girl you met online who used a picture of Brittany Murphy (RIP) to trick you into thinking she was hot.

If there was ever a mantra worth embroidering, this is it.

Yeah Horatio, and you can't cross stitch for shit you cheesy CSI bastard.

No my friend, YOU are tripping.

This one is the perfect mix of a classic prayer and a classic movie.

Yes, I am for real obscurely placed cross stitch with attitude.

Nuff said.

I didn't see the movie, but a cross stitch told me it was shit.

I've always dreamt of finding a tea towel with attitude.

Oh shit, I just found my new mantra, sorry "Time To Suck Today's Dick", you're on your own.

Yeah, get back at fashion with fashion itself, way to go.

WTF?

Yeah, in case you were wondering, I love the internet, and I've been collecting these pictures of cross stitching for over a year now, and this post is really just an elaborate way to clean out my hard drive.

Way to go internet.

Happy friday.

Apocalypse... Later

So, it turns out that the world didn't end, I mean, I can't see any red skies or mushroom clouds from where I'm sitting, thanks for getting us all excited over nothing doomsayers.
I'm with Angela, I'm over people saying the world's going to end.

In my opinion, the world isn't ending because...

The world is filled with so much love right now.

And it's not quite a crime to own cats yets.

I spun this record backwards and it didn't say "21/5/11 the world will end." It actually said "Buy excessive amounts of toilet paper when you see a sale."

Besides, I haven't set up my Apocalpse swingers club yet, it's a place for people to go and get off when the world actually is going to end. This lady got a bit carried away last week I see.

Osama "hide and seek champion of the world" bin Laden is now gone, so who's going to usher in Armageddon?

The point is, if you're going to die, you're going to die, especially if you don't listen to Slayer.

Happy Friday... for the time being.

Lucky Symbols

For all those johnny hard to impressers who aren't flipping a nut right now because 'money bags' month is almost upon us, here are a couple of other obscure lucky charms from around the world you've probably never heard of... In Korea, if your cat is dressed like an astronaught you will have good luck every second tuesday as long as it's not raining.
In France, you can eat cheese that's aikin to 'warm poo' and you will find your love life triples amongst the opposite sex (provided the said opposite sex also enjoys eating warm poo).

Using an iPad to take photos at a rock concert will instantly turn you into a douche bag in hipster communities on the west coast of America.

Bald people who wear fake ed hardy in Thailand will grow hair on their chins that they can later transplant to their head if they go to a backyard surgeon in Krabi.

If a slutty man washes your pink stretch hummer in Denmark you will find bountiful crackers in your cupboard for seven months.

In North Eastern fishing communities, naming your boat a childish comound word that doesn't really exist will lead to an excellent yield of lobsters for the season.

In Portugal, if you eat freeze dried sausage pizza you will be able to see in x ray vision the next time you are playing Street Fighter II at timezone.

English midlanders believe that if you deny the death of Brittany Murphy then your cows will produce creamier milk.

In China, if you catch a suicidal bride your entire family will be immune to the clap.

In Japan, if you eat inappropriately titled noodle snacks you will be funny to the western world.

In Austria, eating an ice cream like a rabid dog will absolve any infidelity worries you are having with your wife/ husband.

The Spanish believe that if a pregnant lady eats nothing but ham while gravid, then you will have a daughter, who co-incidentally will grow up to be a lumpy ham obsessed tween.

Go money bags.

Vive Jamon.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

Happy friday to youse all.

And fuck you Peter Piper, and your peck of pickled peppers... you fucking pickled pepper picker.