More Game than Berlusconi

In the wake of further freakiness from the Italian PM who apparently was wiretapped admitting that he "wished he could be with the babes full time, but I have to be a part time prime minister", here's a few more players who are equally as ballsy/ stupid as Berlusconi... Rocky the Turtle pays no attention to your lame ass rules and WILL be busting out.

Rocky the Turtle is Audi 5000.
Pink Dog, unless you have a time machine and travel back to when Pretty Woman was released, you are incorrect.
The only thing funnier than a stupid burglar story, is a stupid burglar story with a joke in it.
Darren and Tito don't need no swimming pool season pass this summer, they got themselves a hose and garbage bags. Living it large this summer. Ladies?

Dad! Are you kidding me? You can't turn up to a party with Cheese and Onion chips. No one likes that shit!

In my mind, this is a Limp Bizkit concert and they are tossing this bloke around while an overweight Fred Durst sings "rollin, rollin, rollin".

How tempted do you think that cop is to drop kick the junior fascist back to the Third Reich?

Jenny is pretty much the whole reason emo music was invented.

Kylie: 'oh yeah, got some sweet ass consomme in my fancy meal boys! Wait. Forget what I said.'

Lesson of the day: Stop fucking taking photos of your food with your camera phones people. It's food, we all eat it every day. I don't really care what your dinner looks like. Fuck Off with your facebook posts about what you are eating and what it looks like.

George from Masterchef.

The only person in the history of television who manages to over act on a reality tv show.

Terry wants to do lingerie shoots, when the babes say no, all he hears is "why don't YOU get your undies out."

Gary and Rick, the two biggest douches you've met today...

Until you meet Shaun. He likes Korn and plays softball.

Shaun is waiting for you to PM him with your number and your favourite milshake flavour.

Happy Friday.

Shit Boring Stories Begone

I've been inundated with mundane stories and semi-shit jokes of late. It's time to restore the balance before I lose all faith in humanity. Here are some actually interesting things I've done lately.... I participated in Harry Potter week. I love Harry Potter!

I helped my little brother write an essay on the greatest doctor in the modern age... Dr Dre.

Me and my neighbour bought a sword and went all Samurai on a pumpkin.

I installed something we all want to drink at the water cooler at work.

I gave my cousin a kick arse computer game that may or may not have turned him into a little queer.

I opened a dagwood dog store outside the Sistine Chapel. How could that possibly go wrong?

I invented the worlds first edible jumper. It's greasy as fuck and dogs are always hassling me when I wear it, but who wouldn't want a pizza to keep them warm?

I got the most obscure tattoo I could think of.

I finally got round to bathing my llama.

To calm a llama down one must cool a llama down.

I invented the greatest invention the worlds of hair care and pho have ever known

I got a moose addicted to iced coffees and let it loose in a Starbucks.

I trained my dog how to shit on the toilet.

What will YOU do this weekend?

First Dates

Here's some advice for blokes going on first dates this weekend... Don't go on a double date with your better looking best friend, especially if that best friend is Luke Perry.
Pay for the cab, don't try and sneak your way into someone else's by hiding in their luggage.

Don't bring your art sketch book, NO ONE CARES how much you like David Schwimmer. And you can't draw for shit anyway.

Don't throw pinecones, especially if your head kind of looks like one.

First dates are not the occasion to get your whacky hat out.

Computer skills is not an interesting topic of conversation.

Cheeseburgers are not legal tender.

Being stoned won't make you seem more aloof, it will make you look like a stoner douche.

Body hair is an acquired taste, don't put it out there on the first date!

And a gentleman NEVER kisses and tells.

Happy Friday.

Who's Party?

Someone's having a party, here's your clues...

Dressing up like the Karate Kid

Stories of Sheldon on a motorbike.

Excessive toilet humour.

Stories of getting stoned in the old days.

Stories of hot cats at the rodeo.

Excellent nineties nostalgia value.

Fine dining.

Plenty of booooooooooooze.

Ain't no party like a Tidswell party.

Happy Birthday Becs.

Happy Friday.

RIP everyone's liver if you are going out with Becs tonight.

Edgy Cross Stitch

Ever since I noticed that American Apparel had kind of lost their edginess...I've been on the lookout for what the latest cutting edge cotton based artform will be. My friends, I present to you CROSS STITCHING WITH ATTITUDE...
What better way to express your disgust than by very slowly stitching a message to the girl you met online who used a picture of Brittany Murphy (RIP) to trick you into thinking she was hot.

If there was ever a mantra worth embroidering, this is it.

Yeah Horatio, and you can't cross stitch for shit you cheesy CSI bastard.

No my friend, YOU are tripping.

This one is the perfect mix of a classic prayer and a classic movie.

Yes, I am for real obscurely placed cross stitch with attitude.

Nuff said.

I didn't see the movie, but a cross stitch told me it was shit.

I've always dreamt of finding a tea towel with attitude.

Oh shit, I just found my new mantra, sorry "Time To Suck Today's Dick", you're on your own.

Yeah, get back at fashion with fashion itself, way to go.

WTF?

Yeah, in case you were wondering, I love the internet, and I've been collecting these pictures of cross stitching for over a year now, and this post is really just an elaborate way to clean out my hard drive.

Way to go internet.

Happy friday.