Apocalypse... Later

So, it turns out that the world didn't end, I mean, I can't see any red skies or mushroom clouds from where I'm sitting, thanks for getting us all excited over nothing doomsayers.
I'm with Angela, I'm over people saying the world's going to end.

In my opinion, the world isn't ending because...

The world is filled with so much love right now.

And it's not quite a crime to own cats yets.

I spun this record backwards and it didn't say "21/5/11 the world will end." It actually said "Buy excessive amounts of toilet paper when you see a sale."

Besides, I haven't set up my Apocalpse swingers club yet, it's a place for people to go and get off when the world actually is going to end. This lady got a bit carried away last week I see.

Osama "hide and seek champion of the world" bin Laden is now gone, so who's going to usher in Armageddon?

The point is, if you're going to die, you're going to die, especially if you don't listen to Slayer.

Happy Friday... for the time being.

Lucky Symbols

For all those johnny hard to impressers who aren't flipping a nut right now because 'money bags' month is almost upon us, here are a couple of other obscure lucky charms from around the world you've probably never heard of... In Korea, if your cat is dressed like an astronaught you will have good luck every second tuesday as long as it's not raining.
In France, you can eat cheese that's aikin to 'warm poo' and you will find your love life triples amongst the opposite sex (provided the said opposite sex also enjoys eating warm poo).

Using an iPad to take photos at a rock concert will instantly turn you into a douche bag in hipster communities on the west coast of America.

Bald people who wear fake ed hardy in Thailand will grow hair on their chins that they can later transplant to their head if they go to a backyard surgeon in Krabi.

If a slutty man washes your pink stretch hummer in Denmark you will find bountiful crackers in your cupboard for seven months.

In North Eastern fishing communities, naming your boat a childish comound word that doesn't really exist will lead to an excellent yield of lobsters for the season.

In Portugal, if you eat freeze dried sausage pizza you will be able to see in x ray vision the next time you are playing Street Fighter II at timezone.

English midlanders believe that if you deny the death of Brittany Murphy then your cows will produce creamier milk.

In China, if you catch a suicidal bride your entire family will be immune to the clap.

In Japan, if you eat inappropriately titled noodle snacks you will be funny to the western world.

In Austria, eating an ice cream like a rabid dog will absolve any infidelity worries you are having with your wife/ husband.

The Spanish believe that if a pregnant lady eats nothing but ham while gravid, then you will have a daughter, who co-incidentally will grow up to be a lumpy ham obsessed tween.

Go money bags.

Vive Jamon.

Happy birthday to meeeeeeeeee!

Happy friday to youse all.

And fuck you Peter Piper, and your peck of pickled peppers... you fucking pickled pepper picker.

Awesome stuff

I must apologise for not being able to post anything recently, it's been really tough not working on a Friday. However, I just checked my awesome calendar... And realised it's time to update my list of 'things that are awesome'...
1. Fishing is awesome, boats are awesome, combine the two and catch the biggest mother flipping fish in history and you're off the awesome scale.

2. Taking your own bat to a baseball game.... awesome.

3. Jesus = awesome
4. John Turturro, is there anything you DON'T know?

5. Virtual reality + Murder She Wrote = AWESOME.

6. Aieee- shark shit.

7. This phone is not awesome, the guy holding the phone is. Love the waistcoat dude.

8. This dude's interpretive dance inspires me to be awesome.

9. This picture combines two things I never really thought were that good (Queen and Star Wars), but holy hell, put them together and they are AWESOME!

10. Zoolander you are awesome! You finally got your school up and running. Way to go!

Have an awesome weekend.

Charlie Shone

I can't believe it! I take a bit of time away from the computer and Charlie Sheen goes down in the most blog worthy manner leaving everyone asking the question: But I've been keeping my ear close to the ground and here's a snippet of what else went down while Charlie Sheen flipped his nut:

This ad went unanswered, leaving the greatest tribute act EVER on ice and Dallas still craving to have sugar poured on it (WTF?)

Some dick stole this guys bassoon.

Hulk Hogan had a sex change and got married (in that order I hope).

A ghost molester was discovered. No one gave a shit.

This girl was announced "hairiest girl in the world". For real.

This guy save the earth from an attack by aliens who resembled eddie macguire (eddie is basically the height of my fears and dislikes so anything bad I imagine to resemble him).

I'm not poking fun at Japan, that shit's intense. But those news readers look like twats.

May my daughters NEVER end up as madonna impersonators. She's so 1980s, they'll be dressed like Gaga for sure.

Happy Friday

Trust

You know what I hate? When you meet someone that you know you can't trust, but you trust them anyway, and then a couple of years later they prove why you shouldn't have given them the time of day in the first place (baitmen). Here's my list of archdouches who shouldn't be trusted... Weather reporters
American mathematicians

This lady. It's ok if you can't use your arms. But who the hell changes that monkey's nappy, and why can't that person just feed you and you could let that monkey go and live in the forest where he belongs? Seriously.

People you meet on the internet. You'll never trust anyone on the internet if you think to yourself, no matter what the profile picture looks like, it's probably this guy.

People who look at porn in public.

People who make fun of retarded kids.

People who exploit retarded kids.

Fuck you friday.

Bad Ass Shit

You ain't cool unless you... Can use txt abbreviations in everyday situations.Can have an injection without crying.

This dude was running away from a snowstorm carrying an ice cream, kinda ironic.

Have a pony. Only then the player haters gonna steal that pony, but it's ok, because you HAD that pony, and that makes you BAD-ASS.

Family portraits...fuck yeah.

This guy/girl is angry. And that's fucking cool you fucking fuck fuck.

As if the sparkly thongs and kids bike wasn't enough, this guy had to slap on some glitter streamers to definitively state "I am a BAD-ASS".

Get some bassoon on your latest jams, it's so hip right now.