Breakdancing Pensioner v DSS

The fact is that all Englishers are dirty tax evading social security cheats, I should know, I've read half of trainspotting, which is totally about everyday Englishers, right? Well, turns out that there's this old dude in England who can bust moves phatter than a whale in a g-string. This is his story..... He was born after some dodgy family planning advice his parents received from the NHS.

He always knew he was a bit of a dweeb, it's a genetic thing, and as this family portrait demonstrates, he was destined to be a right knob.

Until one day he met a magician in the men's toilets behind Wolverhampton tescos. The magician said "heyyyyy booyyyy" want to see a trick? The kid was like, "no, I don't want to see your balls and he kicked him in the throat, which was pretty sweet considering he was a tall magician wearing a bullet proof bow tie. But the kid did it, because he had mad skills.

Then, when he was walking out of the toilets this shark and gorilla came up to him and said "man, you're born to break dance, let us hone your rough edged b boy styles." So the kid says yes, because he was always told to trust sharks and the gorilla looked a bit like Boris Yeltsin.
Long story short, he wasn't that good but kept practicing, straining his will like this tube of toothpaste.

Then when he was really old he was finally as rad as anyone his age and went on TV and would have been the most famous person in England since Peter Andre, but the DSS got jealous and took his benefits away.
And gave them to this guy instead.

The moral of the story is that you shouldn't ever try and be good at anything, unless it's being really good at collecting DSS benefits.

Hey Hey it's Saturday- the outtakes

By now you will be aware of a fact that I have been a firm believer of since I was 8 years old, but finally the proof is out- Darryl Sommers is a shit eating white supremecist and Hey Hey It's Saturday is the jewel in the crown of Channel 9's campaign of crap. But here are some segments which we are now finally able to reveal... 1984- Even Plucka put his webbed foot down on appearing in the " Adventures of the Paedophile Duck" segment.

1985- Steak n shake promotion which is pretty self explantory. It was eventually pulled to avoid offending the large vegetarian following the show was eager to maintain.

2009- Researchers for the return put the breaks on a segment in which contestants had to come up with the most sexist reply to the question "when a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what should I come back with?"

1998- NSFW cake baking competition.

1991- In an attempt to write Ozzy out of the show, tests were done on a new co-host. The gig almost went to Gary the stoned Weazel until Gary went psycho in pre shoot and started chasing Wilbur around the studio yelling "play that saxophone like Charlie Parker or don't play it at all you pony tailed fuck!"

1995- Ugliest baby in Australia contest gets canned on grounds that it would promote incest.
1995- DIY segment involving "Mr Matutuwa" was not given green light, producers instead suggested that they tailor their own show around him, he changed his name to Scott Cam and the rest is history.

Must have accessory

I'm pretty sure these are the only jeans on earth designed to accomodate the lethal combo of high kicks and a beardless Chuck Norris.

Keep Safe this long weekend

Yesssss, it's a long weekend. But before you go getting your freak on and start bashing midgets or chasing donkeys, remember, there are many dangers in modern life, so be wary of the following dangers:

Emo faggots hiding on myspace.White people with dreadlocks, and their nastier brethren, wannabe asian rastas.

The scourge of modern society, white ho's

Do not go near a wet beaver!!!

Beware of people who don't use toilet paper. People who use Toto toilets and washlets may not technically require toilet paper, but they are sick anus jetting freaks. (click to enlarge)

Don't let the playa haterz knock your hustle.

Apes on LSD are much worse than apes on PCP.

Whatever the fuck is happening in this picure, don't do it. Seriously, WTF is this?

Be on the look out for sneaky pervert horses.

Whatever you do in your own time is your business (unless you're a white person with dreadlocks) so I'm not saying don't do it, but at least don't get caught visiting dodgy websites. You're seriously telling me there are 1000s of gay thugs in Woy Woy?

And don't hang out with Candy, she's a nosey bitch.

Remembering WYD

I remember World Youth Day when all these kids were like, totally "high on life" and had yellow backpacks. It turns out that they were hanging out to agree on just how awesome Jesus was. When he's not nailed to a cross that guy rocks, no wonder so many people go nuts for him.

Having said that, something equally awesome are asians and flying hot dogs.

You don't see that very often, an asian with a moustache that is. Very impressive.

Trivia

The definition of trivia is random shit you don't really need to know. So here is some trivia in case you need some, but by definition, you don't, but here goes anyway. Kids love crayons, the bigger the better. And dogs too, kids think dogs are awesome, unless the dog is on heat, that can freak them out.

Fashion is awesome, and so are wangs. Fashion and wangs equal 'super awesome!'

Neil Armstrong was actually a stack of pancakes, which makes it even more awesome that he walked on the moon. Buzz Aldren, he was crepes.Did I mention kids love big crayons?

Historical note: Hitler liked to hit on drunk chicks with low self esteem, preferably drunk chicks with low self esteem and a passion for ethnic cleansing, although I heard he was more about the poontang than anything else.

Before Obama was the president of the world, he was in a movie called The Neverending Story. I've seen the beginning of that movie, but not the end, so I can't verify whether the movie really does end or not. If you know how the movie ends email me at ilove80sschlock@movies.com

This is a tiger.

I really can't re-iterate how much kids love big crayons.

Just looking at this picture makes me trip, I get bad deja vu.

The GFC is real, and it's hitting dinosaurs the worst.Santa Clause is dead.He was killed by a fat goth, probably died of laughter, or possibly stabbed to death with a guyliner pencil.
And remember, no matter how awesome your life is, you'll never be as awesome as this t shirt.

I need help

What's wrong with this picture? If you answered "the monkey's ear is way too high on its head" then you are correct.

And another thing, can someone please get the water board to add a new pre mixed cordial tap, lime cooler preferably, thanks.