Today is Festivus. And now we will commence the Airing of Grievances ritual. Here's my shit list for 2011.....
Masterchef: I've had enough of it, three (or is it four now?) twat hosts critiquing twat wannabe chefs and spawning an entire twat audience who suddenly think that they know everything about food and take photos of every semi-decent meal they order and post it on the internet.
Friends: I have a terrible feeling that in the not too distant future a Friends re-union show will become a real possibility. To the producers of the show I say this now: DON'T DO IT- haven't you inflicted enough pain on the world?
My moustache: I kind of grew a moustache as a joke but now I'm completely attached to it even though I know it makes me look like a sex pest.
Wrangers: wrangers always give me the shits.
Hangovers: I'm finding that as the years pass by the hangovers get worse and worse, the 18 year old me could drink 7 pints of guiness and spring out of bed. Now I only need to drink half that amount and I wake up with nightsweats and feel like spewing for the next week.
Sarah Jessica Parker: who keeps giving this lady work, seriously?
Vivisection: Fun when they happen, a pain in the ass to clean up the next day.
El nina: Those heatwaves in January where is was like 40 degrees at 3 in the morning, worst sleep ever!
Documentaries about weird sex fetishes: Channel 9 seems to air these every second night. They are not interesting, they are not really even documenatries, they are clearly designed for teenage boys to get cheap thrills. Channel 9, there's this thing called the internet and teenage boys don't need these shows to get their thrills anymore.
Emoticons: don't do it!
Being sick: worst thing ever.
iPhones: do you really need to access the internet at every minute of your waking life?
Fake tan: I always have and always will hate fake tan.
Apple: Steve Jobs dies and it's like he's the messiah. He made computers and ran a pretty ruthless and amoral company but looked cool. Bill Gates donates a fair slab of his money into charities and he's a jerk though?
Hipsters: Fixies are shit.
Graduation photos: A friend of mine's daughter finished pre-school last week and they held a cap and gown ceremony, in pre-school. Fuck off.
Facebook: I finally caved and joined facebook. I can see that it would be really good if you lived in Antarctica and wanted to catch up with friends. But do I really care that someone I went to school with is getting a haircut/ ate a delicous curry/ works in a real estate agency/ got wasted/ is watching UFC tonight? No.
Occupy Movement shut downs: Governments can't really maintain a facade of democracy when peaceful protests are shut down with force. And despite all the good things the occupy movement is doing, it's still mostly preaching to the converted, which is the real shame.
The price of banannas: Bring back $3/kg!
2 and a half men: The show was shit before Charlie Sheen went nuts, but to continue on like it did, $hame, $hame, $hame.
Bad drivers: Everytime a car swerves into my lane I can guarantee you they are texting.
Guys who wear bandannas and tank tops and baggy jeans with their arse hanging out and super tight jeans and high heels: don't they just give you the shits?
Masterchef: I've had enough of it, three (or is it four now?) twat hosts critiquing twat wannabe chefs and spawning an entire twat audience who suddenly think that they know everything about food and take photos of every semi-decent meal they order and post it on the internet.
Friends: I have a terrible feeling that in the not too distant future a Friends re-union show will become a real possibility. To the producers of the show I say this now: DON'T DO IT- haven't you inflicted enough pain on the world?
My moustache: I kind of grew a moustache as a joke but now I'm completely attached to it even though I know it makes me look like a sex pest.
Wrangers: wrangers always give me the shits.
Hangovers: I'm finding that as the years pass by the hangovers get worse and worse, the 18 year old me could drink 7 pints of guiness and spring out of bed. Now I only need to drink half that amount and I wake up with nightsweats and feel like spewing for the next week.
Sarah Jessica Parker: who keeps giving this lady work, seriously?
Vivisection: Fun when they happen, a pain in the ass to clean up the next day.
El nina: Those heatwaves in January where is was like 40 degrees at 3 in the morning, worst sleep ever!
Documentaries about weird sex fetishes: Channel 9 seems to air these every second night. They are not interesting, they are not really even documenatries, they are clearly designed for teenage boys to get cheap thrills. Channel 9, there's this thing called the internet and teenage boys don't need these shows to get their thrills anymore.
Emoticons: don't do it!
Being sick: worst thing ever.
iPhones: do you really need to access the internet at every minute of your waking life?
Fake tan: I always have and always will hate fake tan.
Apple: Steve Jobs dies and it's like he's the messiah. He made computers and ran a pretty ruthless and amoral company but looked cool. Bill Gates donates a fair slab of his money into charities and he's a jerk though?
Hipsters: Fixies are shit.
Graduation photos: A friend of mine's daughter finished pre-school last week and they held a cap and gown ceremony, in pre-school. Fuck off.
Facebook: I finally caved and joined facebook. I can see that it would be really good if you lived in Antarctica and wanted to catch up with friends. But do I really care that someone I went to school with is getting a haircut/ ate a delicous curry/ works in a real estate agency/ got wasted/ is watching UFC tonight? No.
Occupy Movement shut downs: Governments can't really maintain a facade of democracy when peaceful protests are shut down with force. And despite all the good things the occupy movement is doing, it's still mostly preaching to the converted, which is the real shame.
The price of banannas: Bring back $3/kg!
2 and a half men: The show was shit before Charlie Sheen went nuts, but to continue on like it did, $hame, $hame, $hame.
Bad drivers: Everytime a car swerves into my lane I can guarantee you they are texting.
Guys who wear bandannas and tank tops and baggy jeans with their arse hanging out and super tight jeans and high heels: don't they just give you the shits?
Happy festivus and merry christmas.
